Someone I went to high school with passed away recently. She and I were not good friends, but we had good friends in common, so I saw the events unfold on Facebook. What happened isn't important to this post, what is important is that one of the people on my friends list said that she was glad that she had had the chance to reconnect with this friend before her passing. This got me thinking about friends in my past, friends that I have lost track of over the years. This post is dedicated to them.
Jill - You and I had been best friends since sixth grade. We went through the gawky, awkward years together. I still think you are the only person in the world, besides my husband, who truly, really, understands and gets me. We had so much fun together, no matter whatever it was we were doing. We drifted apart a little at the end of high school, but ended up together in college. I don't know whether going to the same college was a good thing, or the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. Either way, I think living together our senior year was the beginning of the end. I know I was a hot mess, and had been for many years, and you were going through a lot yourself. I wish I had been in a better place, and better able to help you through what you were going through. Regardless, once college was over and we were both married, you made it clear that you didn't want to be friends anymore, and that hurt. I thought we'd still be friends, maybe not ones who saw each other all of the time, but ones who saw each other once or twice a year, maybe sending e-mails back and forth. I've thought about you over the years. I would wonder how you were and what you were up to, but I didn't have the guts to pick up the phone and call you. I wish I could go back and pick up the phone, when I knew where you were and how to get a hold of you. I miss my best friend.
Megan - You and I (along with Kristy) had so much fun the last year or so of high school. I will never forget your chicken dance. We had a lot of fun in college, too (at least before everything got so dysfunctional). There's a lot about how your friendship ended that I wish I could go back and change. I miss you a lot, too. I would say more, but I can't be as vague with you as I could with Jill, and I'm afraid to say too much that would be identifying.
Dennis - I don't think you'll ever really know how much your friendship meant to me. In college, I met the evil version of you, the manipulative, controlling, asshole version of you, and it made me appreciate your pure friendship even more. I wish I could get together with you now and show you how normal and happy I've become, to show you that all those hours I spent crying on your shoulder were not in vain, that you made such a positive impact on my life. I can never thank you enough.
Michael - I forgive you. You were trying to find yourself in college, and as much as your manipulative, controlling actions hurt me at the time, I realize now that some of that might have been your insecurity about who and what you were. You and I had a really good friendship deep down, and it's too bad that all that other stuff got in the way. Although I forgive you, I'm not interested in ever speaking to you again. Letting go of the past, letting go of hurt and pain and resentment only goes so far.
Sometimes I think I should reach out and try to reconnect with some of these folks. Some would be easy to find (one has Facebook, I'm friends with someone who is still in touch with another), others would be more difficult to find. It's scary, though, to put yourself out there, open to rejection. Or worse...silence. I think an outright rejection would be preferable to radio silence. I can't decide whether this is incredibly selfish of me, because, after all, I want to do this because of my new philosophy of life (let things go, don't hold onto anger and resentment, life is too short for that). But then again, isn't almost all human contact inherently selfish?
The older I get, the harder it is to make real, lifelong friends. I feel like the friend-train has passed me by. Maybe I want to look back, since, to paraphrase Stand By Me, I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was younger. Jesus, does anyone?
I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but it is nice to have friends outside of my marriage too, you know?
Recommended listening: In My Life by the Beatles.
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